Why should dairy farmers have all the fun? Grab a teet and squeeze something sweet. If butterboy to the right over here can do it, so can you.
1. Milk Ms. Cow during the same time of day, each day, and sit on the same side of the Ms. Cow each time. This gives Ms. Cow a sense of comfort and routine. She’d do the same for you if it were your nipples.
2. Place Ms. Cow in a stanchion if you’re scared of Ms. Cow. What’s a stanchion? It’s a big wooden or metal rig that holds the Ms. Cow’s head in place. Once the two of you know each other better, a stanchion won’t be necessary, if ever at all.
3. Place stool at a right angle to Ms. Cow and sit with your head resting on her flank. Awwwww……
4. Wash her udder with warm water and a clean cloth. Clenliness is next to godliness, and some cows are gods, according to some Indians.
5. Place “pail” under teats. Buckets work too.
6. Place Ms. Cow’s teat in the palm of your hand. Squeeze her teat at top with thumb and forefinger. Continue squeezing each finger around teat, forcing milk in a stream. Aim well. Milk’s not free. Well, this milk is. But anyway….
7. Repeat until only a small amount of milk comes out and Ms. Cow’s udder is soft to the touch.
8. Take a swig from the bucket. Never have you had milk fresher. Show Ms. Cow your milk mustache. She’ll love that.
